Through

I woke up recently with a different feeling. It took me a few days to actually put my finger on what it was.

There is a clarity to my thoughts. A vividness to nature – His creation. Music stirs my soul again. I caught myself laughing out loud exuberantly. I am excited about tonight’s dinner. There is a joy in my day.

I think the word that best describes what is happening is ‘through.’

I’ve come through. I’m on the other side.

I am not naïve enough to think that ‘it’ is over. Perhaps the reason that I have come ‘through’ is because I have realized, learned, understood that the process is just that, a process. For me and many of my widowed friends, it’s a process that we realize will never come to an end. It is ongoing. It is lifelong. There is no conclusion, except for heaven.

39 Hours

In 39 hours one of those big metal birds will lift into the air carrying our team of volunteers. This afternoon as I try to anticipate my personal needs for our 10 days on the river, I am overwhelmed with fatigue. Decisions make me tired. Paper pushing makes me tired. An afternoon cup of coffee didn't help.

But this little Bear did!

All those years ago, 44 to be exact, I knew the call. I remember the excitement of planning; the blessing of resources that friends and church provided; the sense of adventure but the fear of the unknown. I knew the call. 

So in 39 hours I will go to answer the call. I have prepared myself. I've studied methods of sharing; I've watched videos so as to better understand our new focus; I've prayed; I've asked friends to pray - basically I have worked to cover all the bases. There is a new understand of the call. I know now that I'm to live that call. My heart is overwhelmed with the desire to help others understand and experience what I feel everyday. I know there has been a change in me in recent months. I know that my past fears are no more. I am convinced that the hand of God is on this team. There will be moments of salvation but more then that there will be minutes and hours of relationships. 

My challenge to you my prayer warrior partners is this: Ask the Father to open the doors to the hearts we'll be touching. Create and build relationships with the people of San Jose. Let us be loving examples of the words above - God is love. 

Sitting here, with tears spilling from my eyes.  Out of nowhere comes the immensity of loss. Today, I don’t even know what triggered the feelings – perhaps it’s the memories that come with spring; seeing plants bursting with new growth – flowers opening – remembering hours and days filled with dirt covered hands and clothes – the joys of filling the truck with God’s creation that we had planted and cared for. Or maybe it’s the realization once again that I can’t pick up the phone and share…or question…or laugh…or complain. All decisions are now mine.

As hard as I try, there is a pocket of emptiness that ‘doing’ just can’t fill. Day blends into night and back into day and I cannot fill all the hours. Joy is fleeting.

But, sitting here, pen in hand, I still know and believe in His faithfulness. He says that He heals the brokenhearted. He binds the wounded. He is great and mighty. His presence is real.

Tomorrow the sun will shine brightly and I will worship my Savior as I begin my day. I will trust in His plan, knowing that I have a future. He calls me to a new path – and perhaps that’s the very reason why the tears fall. The path is now different. The focus has changed. My partner is now Him. I am all His. The pain of this life eases a little each day. Time heals. Joy now comes with sharing His love. I’m learning that a heart broken, can share His love. I don’t think the Bear would want it any other way.