Lately I have been experiencing something that is new to my relationship with the Lord. It’s taken me a while to recognize what was happening but this morning Liz Curtis Higgs in her weekly Facebook Live (each Monday at 8am) named it. She called it your ‘never gotten it moments.’

For years I have had what I called light bulb moments. I would be reading or studying in the Word and I would recognize a truth. You know, a fact, something that maybe explains a question you’ve been pondering.

But lately, it’s been different. It’s as though the words that I am reading have a life of their own. You know the commercial that says to food ‘get in me?’ That’s what keeps happening. And when it ‘gets in me’ it’s like old Faithful! An explosion of insight, understanding, connection. And the best part? Within a short period of time, I need that very insight to navigate life. I am constantly struck by how quickly I use the nugget.

God’s Word feeds me. It prepares me for the day’s moments. What a blessing this has been over the past year and a half. Color my world with “I’ve never gotten it before!’ moments, Lord. 

 The 2020 of Hindsight or Looking Back

It is a real temptation to think less than good thoughts about the year that has just passed. We remember all the challenges, the changes, the loneliness, and the experiences we missed. It was just about a year ago that life shut the door on our 'normal' lives. 

In the beginning, we assumed that the 'quick fix' was just around the corner. In a few weeks, maybe a month, we'd be back to all the regular activities that we enjoyed. As time dragged on and everything remained changed or closed-we continued working from home; we watched church services from home; we ordered in our groceries not just our pizza; we watched the news hoping that tomorrow we'd be released from the stay-at-home orders. 

But it's March again, and although things aren't as restricting as they were, we're still limited in our activity. Someone's face will flash through your memory and you realize that you haven't seen or talked with that person in over a year. How is that possible? You wonder how they're doing. You might even wonder if they're still in town. 

There are bitterness and annoyance of the restrictions. We complain to anyone who will listen and usually they agree. When will it ever end? 

But here's how I see 2020. 

In the year 2020, I experienced loneliness like never before. For four months I never left my home. At some point, I started counting the days, and for a while, I was actually proud of the fact that I hadn't been anywhere for so long. For many years I had relished the few days when I could actually stay home from the nursery and just be alone. Now that quiet was deafening. 

In the year 2020, I grieved. My mind kept going and I was filled with thoughts of things gone by. I saw what had been happening in my life for the past seven years and I recognized that some of the habits  I had fallen into that weren't healthy. I allowed myself to reminisce and discovered that I hadn't let any tears fall or memories invade my thinking. When I did, a whole new world of joys, as well as sorrows, appeared.

In the year 2020, I focused on myself. I let my thoughts wander. I completed numerous Bible studies that added to my understanding of the emotions I was experiencing. I sat in the presence of my King and listened. He brought to mind sadness and joys, fun and pain, love and hate, good and bad, family and friends. What was, in the beginning, a painful, limiting experience became a true blessing. I am not the same person I was, nor do I want to be. God's plan for my life was and is good. 

Tim Keller in his wonderful devotional The Songs of Jesus finishes March 7 with this prayer, 

"Lord, it is not exactly right to thank you for my sorrow, for you did not create a world filled with evil, and my grief causes you grief. And yet I do thank you for the many riches I have found in these dark mines: patience, courage, and self-understanding, and most of all your love and presence."

Lord, I am so alone

 Is it me, or has this past year with its many challenges, made me more aware of how alone I am? In the beginning when the world around me shut down and I experienced nearly four months of 'house arrest,' I was content. There were new challenges - how to grocery shop, how to connect with friends, how to purchases supplies for projects, tasks, maintenance. I love a challenge...I like to solve problems. But then as the silence screamed at me, I was overwhelmed by the restrictions.

As I connected with more friends I realized that I wasn't alone in the void. A previously full life of sharing hope and love with others had been taken away. I could find encouragement for myself in my routine of Bible study and prayer but conversations with friends told me that others hadn't. There are times when being alone is valuable. I can remember wanting to stay home from work just to have a time of quiet, a time of doing what I wanted to do. But after many months I didn't want it anymore. 

As the months dragged on, I came to an understanding that there would be a 'new normal' but when that might happen was totally unknown. I began to look for the positive around me. Often a conversation with a friend would lead to offering her encouragement. I looked for directions that I could use and I found that what worked for me often would encourage others. 

Interestingly, as I read Living Unbroken by Tracie Miles, I discovered that I was walking through a formula that worked well for me. Tracie encourages you, when you are alone, to recognize that it's a normal thing. Life is just different now. The more that I fought it, the unhappier I became. 

As a MacIver, I am always looking for solutions, especially for others. Is something troubling you? Let's talk. Maybe by looking for the positive, we can walk away from the weight of aloneness. I found that making sure that I filled my time with things that I enjoy whether crafts or cleaning, the silence that was overwhelming me was filled with new sounds. I turned off the TV and turned on the radio. I played encouraging, worshipful music as I cleaned as well as when I was creating. I worked through numerous Bible studies. I have learned so much this past year. Who knew the blessings of being alone? Who knew how this 'new normal' would turn out to be a huge blessing? 

There is victory hidden in every challenge we face. God still loves us dearly despite the problems we face. He still wants the very best for His children. My hope is that the lessons that I have learned will color my path. That the emotions that I have felt will heal and that as I walk forward my hope will shine from my being. May I be a blessing to others as I continue on this path. 

ANSWERS

Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that what I really want is for someone to just tell me what to do. I am challenged to work through an issue that popped up unexpectedly and for a time I feel that I've lost control of my life. My first reaction is fear. Did you ever read an email or a letter that comes and on first reading you think - I don't know how to handle that! But then sometime later you read it again and realize that your first impression (understanding) was wrong. Now you've wasted time fretting that you don't know how to correct the situation only to discover that you were not even focused on the real problem? I am so guilty of this.

I am a big proponent of peace. Peaceful thoughts, peaceful emotions, peaceful conversations, even peaceful TV shows. I have been known to turn the channel when I suspect that a big confrontation is imminent. Too often my peace is shattered by situations that I can't control. Sometimes it can be days before I stumble on a solution to the confusion I feel.

Sadly, I know where my solution lies. But too many times I don't go there right away. I am a MacGyver at heart. I know too much about too many things. My first thoughts are often "I've got this. I know how to manage this." But too many times, I'm wrong...really wrong. My fear manifests itself in so many ways...lack of sleep, stomach upset, short temper, confusion, a sense of being overwhelmed. Days can go by before I listen to the Lord and choose His solution.

Before you turn me off thinking to yourself, 'there she goes again - quiet time, prayer, read the Word' stick with me for another minute or two. You are made in God's image. He's perfect. He loves. He cares. He calls. He's always my solution. But He can't solve anything unless I surrender to His care. And that's just it...He cares. He wants only the best for me and you. But He can't make you surrender. That's your choice...He made us that way. Think of fear this way...

    (My) Friend

    Eagerly

    Answers

    Requests

So don't be like me...turn to Him right away. His answers to my requests are always the best solution. Ask. Wait patiently. And listen. His Spirit is answering your request. 

The Pity Pool

It’s a slippery slope climbing out of the pity pool. We find our footing but just under the water surface, it’s still muddy. It clings to our feet, squishes between our toes and sucks us in again. We try to move forward but cannot extricate our feet from the mud, sometimes momentum pulls us forward causing us to lose our balance and fall face first into the mess once again.

For me, I’ve found that I am caught when my focus doesn’t change, just my desire changes. I carry with me the remnants of past experiences. I want so badly to be different, to react in a loving, caring, forgiving manner, but the hurt remains. It is startling to realize that a tiny little piece of hurt can pull me back into the pity pool.

Constant criticism builds a memory bank of issues that are like flypaper. My actions, whether the condemnation was justified or not, will rise to the surface when a sight, a sound, or even a smell brings to mind a time of pain. Walking away from the negative stops the bleeding, the pain, for the moment but it doesn’t erase the memory.

Some time back, I began to realize the need for change. At the same time, I was growing in my relationship with the Lord. I learned about God’s forgiveness of me-what He was willing to sacrifice so that I could have a relationship with Him. I learned that for me to enjoy the release that forgiveness offers that I had to stop thinking about myself. Looking at situations through the eyes of the other gave me an awareness of how situational pity can be. The hurt from words quickly spoken without regard for their impact was a big issue for me. I had endured so much growing up that an apology was immediate from me but forgiveness was not.

I struggled for a long time until I finally realized and accepted just how deeply God loves me. Acceptance is the key. Combined with faith in His word, His promises, and His comfort…all the joys that only come when trust is strong has made my days fruitful.

It’s not easy to stay out of the quagmire. I have learned that a daily quiet time is essential. I have learned that I cannot do this alone, that I need strong, God-fearing friends to speak to me when I am falling. I have learned that I cannot allow myself access to negative thinking. I judiciously stay away from social media posts that have a negative bent – the ‘if-then’ statements that are all too often feeding that ‘pity me’ syndrome. I look for the positive focus in Scripture – lessons with a truism that will strengthen me. I look for the praises of the day. I often ask myself ‘what is the joy in this situation?’ The joy of the moment proves the end result. The trials will end and I will pass out of the pity pool. On the solid rock, I stand. Filled. But ever mindful of the slippery slope.

The Susanna Wesley Effect

The desire for a daily devotional time has been a topic of conversation recently. A group of ladies at Westside is studying A Place of Quiet Rest by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. The need for time with the Father is very close to my heart. My commitment to this began over 25 years ago. I really can’t remember when but I do remember the circumstances and they were a challenge.

My mornings began early because I prepared a full breakfast and lunch for my high school son who ran track and cross country. His school day began around 7:15 am which required that I rise no later than 6 am. When I made the decision to spend time each morning with the Father I had to be awake by 5 am. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it! If you aren’t a ‘morning person’ an early morning commitment is a definite challenge.

But let me share my ‘real’ reason behind my commitment…quoting from Nancy’s book The Quiet Place, Daily Devotional Readings, she says, “…children will often cultivate an appetite for what they are fed in their earliest, formative years and for that which they know claims the true affections of their parents.” She goes on to say, “…you can’t underestimate the value of children growing up in an environment where parents love God fervently and where they prize what is pure, good, and eternal.”

Thankfully, at some point, we, Barry and I, figured this out. Sadly, a lot of our understanding came after our boys were bigger and testing the independence waters.

Barry often told the story of Susanna Wesley, mother of John Wesley, who found time every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to pray. It is said of her that when she felt the need to pray she would sit in a kitchen chair and throw her apron over her face signaling to the children that she was not to be disturbed. Most of us don’t wear aprons when we’re cooking and we’re usually multitasking anyway so this technique wouldn’t work. But, the point is that the children knew that Mom was about the Lord’s business and she wasn’t to be disturbed. I know, right! I can compare this to the years that I worked in sales from home. My lifeline was the telephone but every time it rang it was like a signal to the kids that Mom wasn’t going to be paying attention so they could do anything and everything that came to mind, or they were supposed to interrupt my conversation to ask for something.

It all comes down to sacrifice…on your part. Not unlike Jesus’ willingness to sacrifice for us, we must be willing to sacrifice for Him. Parents are focused on training their children. Your quiet time is a sacrifice that you must make for them. Accept that you might be inconvenienced; that you might lose a little sleep; and that it requires planning on your part. The joy comes when you realize the ‘perfect result’.

‘Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King, and my God, for to You I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you will hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.’ Psalm 5:2-3 

Even if…

One of my favorite songs right now is ‘Even If’ sung by MercyMe. My emotions are stirred as I listen to and contemplate the message.

Life’s challenges are a constant stream of choices and results. Sometimes we win and see success; other times we lose and must regroup and try again. Think of King David over and over being confronted with enemies, even those in his own family. His confidence in the Lord’s protection, although he withered and cried out for relief, remained strong. “But You, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.”(Psalm 3:3) There have been many times when I have done as the song says ‘reminding the broken that it will be alright.’ God shields me.

We all know that it ‘is easy to sing when there’s nothing to bring me down.’ More than once I have been told, ‘I didn’t realize that you were struggling.’ God carried me.

When God chooses to ‘leave mountains unmovable,’ where does my faith take me? On those days when the darkness doesn’t leave with the sunrise, the Word pulls me in. Releasing my personal concerns in conversation with the Father gives them voice. Often just hearing them spoken out loud brings a realization of answers. But God knows that the ‘perfect result’ comes when I find joy in the trials. Whether He answers immediately or seems to leave the ‘mountain unmovable,’ I know that He gives me the strength to carry on. God strengthens me.

But God knows me. He knows my needs. He knows how far He can push me with the test. I believe He watches over me. He chose me and now He chooses to care for me. I choose to know God. I choose to hide His word in my heart. I choose to call out to Him in my distress. I choose to accept His love. My hope is You alone, Lord. I will cling to You.

Even if…

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