Took some time today to read back through some of my journal
entries over the past 45 months since losing the Bear.
At times my words were full of questions. I wrote forcefully of my resolve. There were ups and downs of emotions. Lots of tears. Lots of prayers. Calling out to God for some consolation. Seeking His direction.
Always a reader, my writing is interspersed with comments
about current books I was reading. It seemed that whatever I picked up spoke to
the trials of the moment and I commented on encouragement that I received from
the author. It didn’t seem to matter if it was a book with a theological bent
or book full of life applications, I benefited.
Perhaps the most encouraging and life altering book that I
read was entitled Hope Prevails by Dr. Michelle Bengtson. Hope was the
one theme that ran throughout my journaling. Reading this book shook me out of
the depression doldrums. Her writing showed me the rabbit holes that I had
fallen into and helped me to find a way out.
I distinctly remember a day when I was speaking to a friend
and had the sudden realization that she was wearing a red shirt. I know that I
startled her when I blurted out, ‘Your shirt is red!’ For months I had been
functioning in cloud of indifference. Focus eluded me. Other than the
necessities of life, I was not accomplishing anything. Not moving forward.
Wallowing in my pity party. But on that day, I saw red! There were colors
everywhere! I felt happiness, joy but most of all hope.
For months I had complained to God about pulling the rug out
from under me. Why was I alone? I didn’t want or like to make decisions…at
least not the final decision. I hadn’t made money decisions, the final ones, in
years. How was I supposed to manage emotionally with my best friend gone? There
didn’t seem to be a logical reason for what had happened.
Reading through Hope Prevails I discovered the
underlying answer to all those questions. My hope had never changed. I was
still His. I still walked with Him. He had given me hope when I found Him and
that had not changed. As I read back through my journal, I saw my hope pull me
up each time I started to sink. The depression that I experienced actually gave
me a greater understanding of the hope that lies only in Him.
I have shared that shortly after the Bear’s passing a friend
encouraged me to not be afraid to seek medical help if necessary. My reaction
was…’Depression? Christian’s don’t experience depression.’ I truly thought she
was totally wrong. In reality…she was totally right. When I finally emerged
from the pit, I did so with a new understanding and appreciation for Christian
friends. I wish I had listened. It was months later before I found Hope
Prevails.
Dr. Michelle has written a Bible study that walks you through
the content of Hope Prevails. It’s a twelve week study that works with
individuals or with groups. It’s called Hope Prevails Bible Study. Just
like the book it is full of Scripture. I have written all of them in a notebook
for reference when life just challenges me.
I don’t know that depression is something you can walk away
from and never experience again. I do know that I have been encouraged and
blessed by these two books. I have shared Hope Prevails with friends who
have also found it to be helpful. I look forward to working through the Bible
study with some close friends soon.
If you, or someone you know, is dealing with loss or life
trials, and is depressed, share this with them. Take time to read it yourself.
You will learn so much about yourself and how God has blessed us with His hope.
Thank you for sharing your testimony Jane! You bless me.
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